By Bianca Schaefer
I went to bed at 10 p.m. with the best of intentions. I had set my alarm. I had a plan. I was going to be one of those women who rise early, journal peacefully, and sip something warm while the sun comes up.
At 1:17 a.m., I looked at my phone and wanted to cry. I couldn’t even make it to the usual 3 a.m.! What followed was a full night of tossing, turning, bathroom trips, and scrolling my phone in the dark (I know, I know) so I wouldn’t wake my husband. I turned on the light and read one page of a book before getting bored. By 6 a.m., it was still dark, and I stumbled into the living room and said something out loud I never expected to say.
“Why, Lord? Why did You create menopause? Couldn’t You have done it without the symptoms?”
I surprised myself with those words. I hadn’t realized I was angry at God about this at all. But there I was, sweaty, exhausted, and furious. And doubting everything I knew to do. Because here’s my confession.
I Know What I’m Supposed to Do
I’m a health coach and nutritionist. I know what to do, and I’m doing it. Protein at every meal, veggies and healthy fats, strength training to build muscle, something to eat first thing in the morning, and never, ever coffee on an empty stomach, nothing within three hours of bed… Then there’s the protein powder, collagen, and creatine, mushroom powder for memory (when I remember), and chia seeds for fibre. My kitchen counter looks like a small science lab.
Is it helping? Yes, little by little. Glacier pace. I’m choosing to believe by faith that one morning I’ll wake up feeling like myself again. But then I listened to a podcast that said there are at least 34 menopause symptoms, and apparently even more to do. Thirty-four! I counted nine before breakfast and stopped. The list never ends, and if I did every single thing on every single list, I’d have no time left for actual living, including the strength training.
That’s when it hit me: the information isn’t what’s missing. What’s missing is the part nobody puts on the list. What do you do with the grief, the frustration, and the feeling that your body has turned on you?
It’s Not Just the Hot Flashes
We women are getting better at talking about symptoms. We swap tips on night sweats and laugh about brain fog over matcha (my new habit now that I’ve given up my morning coffee, and yes, I’m still grieving). But we rarely talk about what sits underneath. The grief for the woman we used to be, the one who could eat dinner without gaining three new muffin tops and wasn’t constantly wiping her forehead. The self-criticism that has gotten louder. (I even joined TikTok to learn how to dress for midlife. Now I know what to hide, where to pose, and how to hold my arms. Then someone takes a photo, and brain fog has erased every instruction.) And the guilt of being angry at God about all of it.
For a while it felt as though the fruit of the Spirit had left along with my estrogen and progesterone, and all I had left was bitterness and a very short fuse. Here’s what comforted me: the Bible is full of people telling God exactly how they feel. David writes, “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears” (Psalm 6:6). That’s a sleepless night, written down in Scripture! Lament isn’t a lack of faith. It’s faith with its shoes off, being honest with the One who can handle it.
Grace for This Season
I’m doing what I can, but my body hasn’t picked up its pace to match mine yet. So here’s what has been helping me with the weight of this season.
Be patient: This takes time. Navigating menopause is not a 30-day challenge. Symptoms change, what worked last month may not work this month, and finding your way takes trial and error. You haven’t failed because you haven’t figured it out yet.
Watch your self-talk: Let yourself grieve. This might be the hardest one. When I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, the critic gets loud fast. I know Psalm 139:14 says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and I believe it, but on some days that verse feels like it was written for someone else. What helps me more is Psalm 103:14: “for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” He understands how hard this season is. He isn’t scolding you for struggling. So I pause and ask, “Would I say this to a friend?” Then I thank my body for one thing it did today. It carried the groceries. It got me through a hard meeting. It hugged someone. It’s okay to miss your former self; try saying, “I miss her, and that’s allowed.” You are more than a reflection or a photograph. And if a social media account makes you feel worse about yourself, unfollow it. Your feed is not a spiritual authority.
Tell one woman the real version: Don’t just share the symptom list. Say, “I woke up angry at God.” I guarantee she’ll exhale and say, “Me too.”
Get the right kind of help: Keep looking until you find it. Your doctor, a menopause specialist, or another health care practitioner can all be part of your team. Not every practitioner will be helpful, and that’s frustrating, but don’t give up if the first one brushes you off. And tell them about your mood, not just your hot flashes. Irritability, anxiety, and low mood are common in perimenopause, and they’re often left out at appointments.
Pick one thing: You don’t have to do the whole list perfectly this week. Choose the smallest version of one habit and let the rest wait.
Walk Through This With Me
So, does God care about menopause? I believe He does. He cares about the sleepless woman in the dark living room at 6 a.m., tired, frustrated, and not feeling very fruitful. He isn’t angry with her. He’s right there in the room.
That morning, when everything I knew to do had stopped working, I prayed. I told Him exactly how frustrated I was, and I asked for help. No polished prayer, just the real one.
Isaiah 46:4 says, “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Notice that it says carry. Not “figure it out” or “do better.” Carry.
I’m still tired, and I still have hot flashes. But my prayer is changing from “fix this right now” to “walk through this with me.” I’m discovering that’s the better prayer.
So if you’re awake tonight, fanning yourself with a church bulletin and arguing with the ceiling, take heart. You’re allowed to be honest with God. He can handle it. And maybe tomorrow, we’ll both get more than three hours of sleep.
Bianca Schaefer is a Certified Life and Business Coach, Registered Holistic Nutritionist and author of The Wellness Whisperer: Discover the Way to a Healthy Body and Soul. With more than 20 years of experience in health and wellness, she helps women discover health, confidence and purpose. Visit BiancaSchaefer.com.
