When Words Kill by Rev Shirley Wolstenholme

By Guest Writer Rev Shirley Wolstenholme

You may feel worn, cracked and dented but that’s ok, I’ve never heard of a clean shiny sword that won a battle. Strong women do not play the victim, we don’t seek pity and we don’t point fingers. We stand and we pray.

Have you ever loved a man so strongly, immensely and naively that you thought you were the lucky one who found her “happily ever after” in one man? Well I did.

Have you ever loved the wrong guy and still strongly believed that he was the one? Well, I did.

I was “alone” for most of my life until my childhood sweetheart found me again after 33 years and asked me to marry him. I thought all the pain and trauma I had gone through was now at a turning point. My fairytale quickly turned into a nightmare. I married a narcissistic sociopath at the age of 43 and for 7 years I was slowly manipulated and eventually isolated from everyone.

I found myself in a complete pile of ashes at the age of 50. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I never let go of God, but I thought He forgot about me.

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t and left in the middle of the night with my 2 dogs and a cat in my car and drove for 4 days straight.

In the last few days before I left, I had to go “Grey Rock”. It was the only way I could keep my sanity. Going “Grey Rock” with a narcissist is the only way to communicate with them. They either get no response from you or a no emotion response. Otherwise they turn everything you say or do, back on you. They will never rise higher than the “victim” mentality, everything is someone else’s fault. Doing this allowed me to detach and be able to see a way out more clearly. Going “Grey Rock” helped me find my power and my voice again.

After him, sadness came at me in waves, sometimes a tidal wave, sometimes a tsunami. Memories of who I used to be, before him, would come and take turns and I’d be overwhelmed by emotions that they would bring. For a long time, I wondered if I would ever get back to “normal”. I wondered if I would be able to grasp the meaning of life again. I wondered if I would ever be able to love again.

Inside my marriage, love felt a million miles away. I think there were points that I had actually given up, but that still small voice, the one that is always right, kept making noises to bring me back, to make me focus and keep going. That still small voice was the Holy Spirit.

Before him, I was one of those happy content women who were grateful for everything they had in life. I enjoyed my life to the fullest. I was one of those people who would go to sleep with enthusiasm for the next day! But dating and then marrying a narcissist, changed me. I wasn’t half the person I was, after he was done with me. The same enthusiasm I went to bed with had turned to fear for the next day. My happiness was replaced with anxiety.

For a very long time, I was ashamed that he had changed me. I never told anyone what was going on behind closed doors even though I felt like I was losing my mind. He made me trust him. He did everything to convince me that he’s got my back and that he’s my person. He made me feel like I could count on him and no one else. He kept making promises that were never kept. He made me trust him just so he could betray me. He made me feel safe enough to let me guard down and once I did that, his mission was accomplished because I was absolutely unprotected from his attacks. He made me feel like he was my hero.

I allowed someone with a history of broken relationships be a part of my life. He blamed every single person in his past for the damages he felt in his heart and mind. They were the problem; they were to blame. He professed that I was teaching him how to love, teaching him how to achieve the only thing he ever wanted in life, to feel connected and loved by someone. I gave my heart, body and soul to this man. A man who had no idea what love was. I taught him about true love. He taught me about self-love.

Love was not in his vocabulary. He made me a prisoner of love for a long time. He wasn’t my soul mate, he was somebody that got the best of me, he was somebody who fed on my misery, he was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself.

I stopped believing I was worthy and that I deserved to be loved. I lost my confidence, my self-worth. I let him blame me for everything. I let him manipulate me. None of this was consensual yet it happened.

I wish I could say I got nothing out of my time with him but that’s not how the story ends. I got a whole new life lesson from it and I became closer to God than I have ever been.

God showed Colossians 3:2 to me in a different light. The bible says to “set” your minds on things above, not on earthly things. That word “Set” is important. It means to fix, to choose, to make a deliberate decision. I understood then that my thoughts of everything that I had been through, didn’t have to control me. God had given me the power through Christ to heal my mind and my life.

Our minds are a battle ground but we are not defenseless. He’s given us spiritual weapons to win the fight. His word, His spirit, is truth. Speak God’s truth over your thoughts. You have the Holy Spirit to help you unravel and unlearn all the things the narcissist had made you believe for so long.

I had to ask the Lord to help me recognize the thoughts that didn’t come from Him. I didn’t want them to blend in and go unnoticed like they had for years. Ask Him to shine His light gently, but clearly so you can see when you are leaning on fear instead of faith, hiding in shame instead of walking in freedom or trying to control things that He’s already promised to take care of. When you are tempted to replay old wounds, ask Him for the strength to stop. Ask to be taught how to bring every thought into his light.

Be mindful not only of the thoughts that come, but of the ones you choose to let stay. Learn from the Holy Spirit how to filter every idea, every assumption, every old belief through the filter of His word.

You are not forgotten. You are not abandoned. God remembers you. He has you carved on the palms of His hands. He is sending the right people to the right place, right now to let you know that you are not forgotten and I am here to let you know that you are not alone.

When they said she was going crazy, she was awakening. When they said she was isolating, she was healing. When they said she was acting funny, she was growing. When they said she changed, she was evolving. When they said she didn’t care anymore, she finally realized her peace lived within her.