The Gift of Grown-Up Girlfriends: Making them. Keeping them. Letting them go.
There is something special about a good girlfriend.
Not just the friend you meet for lunch or the one who likes all your Instagram posts, but the woman who knows your story. She knows what you’ve walked through, what you’re worried about, what you’re celebrating and sometimes, just by looking at you, she knows when something isn’t quite right.
As women, we need those friendships. Yet making and maintaining friendships as grown women can be surprisingly hard.
When we’re younger, friendships often happen naturally. School, sports, neighbourhoods, our children’s activities and work put us around the same people. As we get older, life gets fuller. Careers, marriages, children, aging parents, church commitments, moves and changing seasons can leave very little margin. And somehow, we can become surrounded by people and still feel incredibly lonely. I’ve witnessed women in our church say, “I don’t really have any friends”. That always makes me stop because being surrounded by people isn’t the same as being known by people. We can sit in the same church every Sunday, know people’s names, smile and say hello—and still have no one we feel safe enough to call when life falls apart.
Making Friends Takes Courage
One thing I’ve learned about adult friendship is that sometimes you have to be willing to make the first move. Invite someone for coffee. Sit beside the woman who is sitting alone. Send the text. Ask, “Would you like to get together sometime?” That can feel surprisingly vulnerable. What if she says no? What if she doesn’t really like me? What if I misread the relationship? But what if she has been waiting for someone to ask?
There may be a woman sitting three rows behind you at church who isn’t unfriendly. She may simply be lonely. She may be new to the community, going through a divorce, an empty nest, a move, grief or a season where she feels like she doesn’t quite belong anywhere.
Sometimes friendship begins with one simple invitation.
Keeping Friends Takes Intention
Making a friend is one thing. Keeping a friendship is another.
The friendships that have lasted in my life haven’t survived simply because we had lots in common. They’ve survived because we’ve made the effort. We called. We forgave. We had difficult conversations. We celebrated each other’s successes and walked through the hard stuff together. We gaven each other grace when life got busy.
Real friendship isn’t always convenient. Sometimes you have to make the coffee date when your calendar is already full. Sometimes you have to listen when you would rather talk. Sometimes you have to say, “That hurt me,” and trust the friendship enough to have the conversation.
Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 reminds us: “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” I love that picture.
Friendship isn’t about fixing each other. Sometimes it’s simply helping each other back up.
When Friendship Isn’t Really Friendship
I also learned that not every relationship that feels like friendship is actually friendship. Some relationships begin with an overwhelming amount of attention, affirmation and generosity. Gifts, meals, compliments and support can feel wonderful, until you realize there are expectations attached. When affection becomes conditional on what you buy, provide, promote or choose, the relationship becomes transactional. I’ve experienced how painful and confusing that can be. When the friendship changes because you didn’t meet an unspoken expectation, it can make you question yourself.
But someone else’s conditional affection doesn’t determine your worth. A genuine friend doesn’t keep score.
We can be kind without being naïve, forgive without ignoring unhealthy behaviour and let go without becoming cynical about friendship.
Knowing When to Let Go
Letting go of a friendship can be one of the hardest things we do.
Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some are for a particular season. Some change naturally as our lives change. And some require boundaries because the relationship has become unhealthy.
I’ve learned that you don’t have to make someone the villain in order to let them go. You can love someone and recognize that you aren’t meant to walk every season together. You can forgive and still have boundaries and you can release a friendship without carrying bitterness into the next one.
Sometimes letting go creates room for something new.
We Don’t Need to Be Afraid of Intimacy
I also think we’ve become unnecessarily cautious about something that is actually very beautiful: deep friendship between women.
Scripture gives us wonderful examples of women loving one another with loyalty, tenderness and devotion. Ruth’s commitment to Naomi is one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship in the Bible. Jesus had close friendships with Mary, Martha and Lazarus. We are repeatedly encouraged to carry one another’s burdens, comfort one another and build each other up.
Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
There is nothing unbiblical about being deeply known by another woman. A hug can be comfort. Holding a friend’s hand while praying can be presence. Looking into her eyes when she’s hurting and saying, “I’m here,” can be love.
There is a difference between intimacy and sexuality. We don’t need to sexualize tenderness in order to make it uncomfortable.
God created us for relationship.
Be the Friend
Perhaps the question isn’t only, Where are my people? Maybe it’s also, Whose person am I becoming? Am I willing to reach out? Can I celebrate another woman’s success without comparing it to my own? Can I keep a confidence? Can I tell the truth with love? Can I make room for someone who needs a friend? Because friendship isn’t just something we hope to receive. It’s something we get to give.
The older I become, the more I treasure the women who have walked through different seasons with me. The ones who know the history. The ones who have seen the tears and the triumphs. The ones who pray, laugh, tell me the truth and show up when life gets messy. Those women are gifts.
So if you’ve been disappointed by friendship, don’t let one painful relationship convince you that you don’t need people.
And if you’re lonely, don’t assume it’s too late. Invite someone for coffee. Sit beside someone new. Send the text. Ask the deeper question. Open your home. Make room. Because we were never meant to do this life alone. Sometimes we need a hand to hold. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes we simply need a girlfriend who looks us in the eyes and says, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
