How Women of Faith Can Argue Well
We are living in an age of loud opinions and fragile relationships.
I’ve been known, even amongst my friends, to be a little too confronting. To make people feel uncomfortable, even challenged to have to defend their beliefs and it gets uncomfortable. I’ve been told, on a few occasions that I don’t hold space for other people’s opinions, and it can feel very heavy. I promise you, I don’t want to come across this way. It grieves my heart. But my “nature” is to stand up and fight, influence for “my way or the highway” and keep going way longer than I should. Has this ever happened to you? C’mon now, don’t leave me out her on my own, give me at least a nod as you read this that I’m not alone!
Conversations about when to marry, whether to have children, how to raise them, where to live, what to prioritize financially, who to vote for, or how to respond to issues like abortion, vaccines, or LGBTQ inclusion can fracture friendships, families, and even churches. Have you been in these conversations, or dare I say debates?!
I’ve felt this tension personally — especially in politics. I’ve watched believers defend party leaders with more passion than they defend the teachings of Jesus, particularly the radical humility of the Sermon on the Mount, which is the current series our pastor, Dustin Boreland, at Springvale Church is preaching on, fascinating stuff, truly counter-cultural and counter-intuitive.
It’s forced me to ask myself hard questions:
Am I pursuing righteousness — or just being right?
Am I seeking truth — or protecting identity?
Am I reflecting Christ — or reacting from fear?
Because Jesus never told us to win arguments.
He told us to love enemies, bless those who curse us, and remove the plank from our own eye first.
The Christian calling isn’t ideological dominance.
It’s Christlike character. I’m always reframing my own perspective to “look for the fruit”.
Why Disagreement Feels So Personal
How we handle conflict is often shaped long before adulthood. There are so many factors involved, but let’s look at a few.
Family-of-origin systems teach us whether conflict means danger, dominance, silence, or survival. This is our stress response: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fib. Add social media outrage (convicted, I’ve been known to make an enraged comment -being more mindful not to!), political tribalism, fear of losing influence, insecurity about belonging, and disagreement quickly feels like a threat instead of an opportunity for understanding.
“Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” (James 3:16)
Division rarely begins with theology.
It usually begins with fear.
What Wisdom — Old and New — Tells Us About Conflict
Researchers at The Gottman Institute identify four “horseman” or habits that erode relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Which one of these do you typically default to? For me, I can admit to all four, yet I most regularly use defensiveness and criticism. I’m not proud of this, but having awareness about my “fight language” actually helps me to develop more loving ways of arguing and prompts me to understand why I react this way. Then, I can do something about it! As well, share with the people closest to me that when I’m stressed this is how I typically react, so they can understand better and be brave enough to point it out.
These don’t just damage marriages — they poison church communities, friendships, and families.
Scripture has warned us all along:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
Communication strategist Jefferson Fisher teaches that strong communicators don’t try to win arguments — they steward conversations. They ask questions instead of making accusations, lower their voice instead of raising it, and set boundaries instead of escalating emotion.
This mirrors the posture of Jesus Christ, who spoke gently to the broken, firmly to the self-righteous, and sometimes chose silence over reaction.
When Christians Sound More Political Than Christlike
Holding convictions isn’t the problem.
Contempt is. Oh my, how this one stings!
Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are those who win debates.” He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” (Matthew 5:9)
He didn’t say, “They will know you are my disciples by your arguments.” He said, “They will know you by your love.” (John 13:35)
When Christians mirror the outrage of the world, we lose our own convictions.
Conviction should make us steady — not sharp.
Humble — not hostile.
So, What Should We Do?
1. Start With Curiosity, Not Correction
Before responding, seek understanding. This part is truly life changing. Yes, we can agree it’s important, but do we really DO IT?
Ask (tone and body language matter here):
“Help me understand how you came to that view.”
“I see things differently, what shaped your perspective?”
James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.
Take a BEAT! Breathe before responding, have a drink of water, remember to align your beliefs. Listening doesn’t equal agreement. Even saying “I hear where you’re coming from.” Read that one again….
It reflects humility — and humility creates space for grace.
2. Speak Truth Without Contempt
You can stand firm without speaking harshly.
Try:
“I see this differently because of how it aligns with my beliefs.”
“My convictions come from my walk with God.”
“I respect your perspective, even though I disagree.”
Ephesians 4:15 calls us to speak the truth in love.
Truth without love hardens hearts.
Love without truth weakens witness.
Together, they reflect the light of Christ.
3. Guard Your Peace as a Spiritual Responsibility
Some conversations become circular, hostile, or emotionally unsafe. It’s wise to say:
“I care about this relationship too much to keep talking about this in a way that hurts us both.”
Even Jesus stepped away from crowds and arguments.
Romans 12:18 reminds us:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” A very wise women, my first spiritual mentor said this to me during a particularly hard time in my life (thank you Diane for your wisdom)!
You are responsible for your posture — not their response.
Boundaries aren’t unloving.
They are stewardship (whoa were you like me thinking that saying “NO” was unkind and un-Christianly, because it’s NOT!) .
The Witness of Unity
Handled poorly, disagreement fractures relationships.
Handled well, it reveals Christ.
Imagine women who stay calm in heated conversations, hold conviction without contempt, ask thoughtful questions instead of making accusations, and refuse to let politics outrank the Gospel.
That kind of presence lowers anxiety, deepens trust, and reflects the heart of Jesus more powerfully than any argument ever could.
Because the goal of Christian communication isn’t agreement!
It’s LOVING our neighbour! No matter how much they get under our skin, our witness is to recognize that while no one is perfect, as followers of “The WAY”, we are called to LOVE OUR NEIGHBOURS: these are our family, kids, spouses, colleagues, church friends, and our actual neighbours.
A Prayer for Difficult Conversations
Lord, guard my tongue, steady my heart, and let my words reflect Your love more than my need to be right. Give me courage to speak truth, humility to listen well, and wisdom to know when peace is the louder testimony.
In a divided world, unity isn’t created by sameness.
It’s revealed through love.
