The Fun and Frustrations of Dating, Sex, and Love as a Mid-30 Year Old Christian Woman - Interview with Money Editor, Rosemary Horwood -
SRJ: Rosemary, thank you for sharing your current experience as a 37 year old Christian woman dating in this modern day, it’s been a loooooong time since I’ve been “out there” in the dating world! Although, I should share that I briefly scoped out Christian Mingle when I was in throes of deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage upon learning of my husband’s infidelity, and I can tell you the pool of candidates (at that time) was slim pickings at best! I quickly took down my profile and decided that working on my marriage would be less work, lol! But in all seriousness, I invited you to share with our audience because I know there are many women who can benefit from your wisdom and lived experience. Again, thank you for answering my questions, sharing so transparently, and being willing to record our conversation on Zoom (link can be found at the end of this article).
RH: It’s my pleasure! The first thing I want to say is that I’m a big believer in loving people well. This is not only a fundamental core of our faith, but I want the men I’m dating to feel loved and respected, even if we’ve decided to part ways. I would never speak poorly of someone I’ve dated because you never know when you might meet them again, and I would not want them to feel “less than” - the same for all people actually. Just because we weren’t a good fit, and I have reasons for that which I’ll share in a bit, I still believe we can love others well, as Jesus has called us to do. Also, I have a funny story about matching with someone online that I previously dated. We laughed when we realized this site matched us up, based on similar criteria. So, we’re giving it another go!
SRJ: That’s such a good point, we all should view relationships through the lens of love. Not easy to do, that’s for sure. Sometimes humans can really rub us the wrong way! So how long have you been dating? Give us a brief history.
RH: Well, I’ve been dating on and off over 20 years. While I do use dating apps, it’s not my go-to. I would rather build a friendship first before considering a romantic relationship. Meeting someone online and discussing marriage within six months felt rushed and unnatural compared to my favoured approach of getting to know someone as a friend first. My most successful relationships have been with men who I knew in what I would call "real life". Friends, old school mates, friends of friends, people we grow up with, from church or work, real life connections. Online dating is not inherently good or bad however I feel there are a tonne of draw backs to using online dating platforms and mainly, it's not the platform, it's the way we use them.
SRJ: I agree. When I’m coaching clients or when I was a youth pastor, I suggest viewing dating as an opportunity to see if someone could be a friend, like an outfit you “try on” the relationship to see if it’s a good fit. Dating to see if you can be friends first is a great way to help alleviate pressure and allows for a more natural progression of the relationship. With that said, how is dating online and what apps would you recommend?
RH: Being open to online dating, the most important thing to me is the faith of the man who I would consider to date. I always think... 'If I had a family with this man, would I trust him to lead my kids spiritually if I wasn't around?" And asking that question weeds out a tonne of people.
What that means for me is that a man who is only "Christian" by means of needing to select a religion but isn't a faithful is not somebody I'd consider dating. As a result, I find it best to use Christian dating sites or apps. One App called Upward, used to be called FTH, is where my last 2 relationships were fanned to flame.
SRJ: What else has worked for you?
RH: First of all, being clear about my values and priorities, what are “hard no’s” and areas I can be somewhat open or at least explore, is really important. And has helped me know early on if this is a relationship I want to pursue. I have clear boundaries on what I want and don’t. As I age, I certainly have established more clarity in this area.
SRJ: What are you looking for in a man, that could become your potential husband?
RH: I want someone who of course is a believer, who desires Jesus first, and that our faith values align. I also want someone who views work (having a job) as important, who allows me to pursue my work, who eventually wants a family (kids), someone who is willing to take risks, and be a provider. I do like to be taken care of, and I believe that it is the man’s responsibility to define the relationship. I don’t want to be the one to initiate that conversation. If, I have to say, “so where are we going from here?” or “are we exclusive?” that’s a red flag for me. I prefer to let the man take the lead in defining the relationship. I want him to say, “Will you be my girlfriend?” I know if he does this, then he’s going to lead me and our family well.
SRJ: Can you share any scary experiences?
RH: I will only share a caution instead of a scary experience - Including people in all stages of your relationship is the best thing for you. The whole idea of "Keeping things private so they don't implode" is the worst thing I've ever heard. Nobody is going to ruin a relationship that's meant to be "forever" for you - only you can do that. Including your pastor or leader at church in the relationship chats from the beginning is the best thing we can all do for ourselves. They will be able to see your blind spots and support you on the narrow path. Including them will only help you, not hurt you.
SRJ: That’s such a good point! I agree with you, having good, wise, people in your court that love you and want the best for you, where you share your dating experience with is so helpful. It’s what the community of faith is about.
SRJ: How do you let guys know you don’t want to date any further?
RH: First, let me say, we should be respectful women who are known for loving men, not tearing them down or crushing them with our words, no matter what the circumstance. That man is somebody's son, future husband, future father, brother and friend and we should treat them with respect and value that they deserve. That said, I would have the conversation with them to explain why I don't think we should be together and make it about me, not about them. I'd always give them an opportunity to explain or to come back to our relationship with an action plan to do things differently if that's a reasonable expectation to have. Letting them go with honour and letting them down easy is the best way to go. The best thing we can do in a circumstance that we realise somebody is not right for us while we are dating is to let them go, softly, as soon as possible. Dragging it out once you've decided that the person isn't for you is disrespectful. It's best to have the hard conversation and let them move on as you do.
SRJ: Have you been hurt, rejected? And if so, how do you handle it?
RH: Yes, I think we all do in one way or another. The best thing to do is to see things from the other person's perspective - both people have to agree and be in a relationship together. If one person isn't on the same page, it's best to know early and face rejection rather than having one misaligned person in the relationship. Needless to say, rejection can be a gift depending on how we see it. We need to consider the other person's heart, not just our own, in this.
SRJ: That’s such a healthy perspective, and biblical. Finally, what encouragement can you provide our readers who are dating?
RH: Prayer. It’s honestly the first and last thing we should in every aspect of our lives, including dating. There are so many great men in this world! I'm praying that God will show us how to love them better.
SRJ: Thank you, Rosemary, for being transparent about your dating experience. I know this interview will be supportive and encouraging to everyone it touches.
Watch this interview on Zoom here, passcode: CD5*zoZX.
