Behind the smile: Secrets. Struggle. Surrender. Share.
I grew up believing in God, but I didn't really understand His grace. Looking back, I can see that I spent much of my life carrying secrets, shame, and a deep desire to be loved and accepted.
Here’s my story in four parts:
Secrets. Struggle. Surrender. Share.
The SECRETS
I grew up in a Catholic home. As a child, I learned early on how to confess the small things but hide the deeper things. I never talked about the hurts I experienced, the struggles I faced, or the sins I was ashamed of. Instead, I “swept them under the carpet”.
I believed in God, but I also believed He was probably disappointed in me.
As I grew older, I searched for fulfillment in all the wrong places. I looked for identity in attention, appearance, possessions, and relationships. I was always chasing something that I hoped would fill the emptiness inside me.
At 18, I started dating Rob Jackson. We had been friends for a couple of years. He was funny, kind, musical, and he talked about having a personal relationship with Jesus. That fascinated me but both of us brought brokenness into the relationship. I mean, honestly, at 18 what do you really know?
I encouraged him to compromise some of the convictions he once held by crossing the line physically. At the time he was struggling with pornography, which I didn’t know, and I was seeking validation from other people. During our dating relationship, I was unfaithful. Later, I confessed it, and the pain that followed left a mark on my heart.
Years later, we married, raised three wonderful children, attended church, served faithfully, and from the outside appeared to have a strong Christian marriage. People often looked at us and thought we had it all together. I was often asked “what’s your secret to such a happy marriage?” The truth was that beneath the surface, we were carrying years of hidden wounds, pride, self-sufficiency, and unresolved sin.
Eventually I accepted Jesus as my Saviour. At an Amway convention (yep, we did that for a couple of years). And a few years later I finally got baptized at a new church we plugged into in Richmond Hill. It was glorious, until it wasn’t (more about that later).
I still wanted control. I made the decisions. I managed outcomes. I tried to create the perfect life. And like many people, I learned how to look healthy while quietly struggling underneath.
James 5:16 says:"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed". I would eventually learn just how true those words are.
The STRUGGLE
In 2011, nineteen years into our marriage, everything changed. On an unsuspected summer evening in August, Rob came home from band practice and confessed that he had been having an affair with the then worship pastor from our church.
Time stood still. I remember staring at him, almost laughing because his words sounded so impossible. But his eyes told me it was true. In a single conversation, the life I thought I knew disappeared. The pain was excruciating. I was angry. Heartbroken. Confused. Terrified. I shattered all our framed wedding photos and spewed profanity at him. We had a decal in our bedroom that read, "All because two people fell in love“. That night I ripped off the words "fell in love". I couldn't imagine how we would survive but one of the strangest and most beautiful parts of our story happened later that same night. After all the chaos, we went upstairs and folded laundry together. At the time it felt odd. Today, it's one of my favorite memories. Everything in our lives felt shattered, but for a few moments we did something normal. Something human.
I did not sleep at all that night. My mind wouldn’t stop with all kinds of intrusive thoughts. Around six o'clock the next morning, I grabbed my phone and searched "What do you do after an affair?"… The tears finally came.
Rob called our pastor. By 6:30 a.m., he was sitting in our family room. We drank coffee together. We cried together. We talked and mapped out a plan for our recovery. I will never forget his presence that morning. Pastor told me, "Biblically, you have grounds for divorce. But I really don't believe that's God's plan for you". What followed were some of the hardest years of our lives. The betrayal hurt deeply. The grief was overwhelming. There were days when anxiety, depression, and despair felt relentless. Sometimes I wondered if the pain would ever end. But God wasn't absent. He was meeting me in the middle of it.
James 1 says: "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". At the time, I couldn't imagine finding joy in suffering. But eventually I discovered something important: Joy and suffering can exist at the same time.
SURRENDER
We were going to fight for our marriage. Not because it was easy, not because trust was magically restored but because we believed God was calling us to stay and do the hard work of healing. We cleared our schedules. We sought counseling and a recovery group. We read Scripture together. We prayed together. We leaned into community.
And healing began. Friends, family, pastors, and our church community surrounded us with love, grace, accountability, and prayer.
Early in our recovery, I sensed God asking me a question: Stéphanie, will you be a beacon for Me? I said yes. Then I sensed Him say: “stay with him, and I will help you". Those words became my lifeline. Because there were many days when I wanted to quit. Many days when staying in bed seemed easier than facing another day. But every time I cried out for help, God met me there. He was close to my broken heart.
One day, during one of the darkest seasons, I was listening to Brooke Fraser's song Lead Me to the Cross. I fell to the floor sobbing. And in that moment, my attention shifted to Jesus. Not my suffering. Not my husband's failure. Jesus. I was overwhelmed by the reality of His sacrifice. The price He paid for me. The grace He offered me. And in that moment, something changed. I realized God wasn't simply asking me to survive this. He was inviting me into redemption and to be a part of my husband’s redemptive process. The more I trusted God, the more trust slowly began to return to our marriage. Not overnight. But one step at a time.
During this season, God also dealt with me. He exposed my pride. My desire for control. My selfishness. My need to manage everything. He taught me that surrender isn't weakness. It's trust. I learned that Jesus needed to be first and when I finally released control into God's hands, I experienced a peace I had never known before.
SHARE
One of the greatest gifts of recovery has been learning the power of sharing. Secrets keep us sick. Confession begins healing. Community keeps us moving forward.
In May of 2012, something beautiful happened. Rob took me to a beach in Clearwater, Florida, after my sister’s wedding. He got down on one knee in the sand. He gave me a new gold wedding band and said: "I didn't do this right the first time, but I promise to be the husband you always should have had. Will you marry me?" Later that year, surrounded by family and friends who knew our story, we renewed our vows.
The theme was: "All Because Two People Stayed in Love". You may recall, I had ripped the words "fell in love" off our bedroom wall. A lovely friend repainted on our wall, in a new font, “stayed in love”. Now God had written a different ending. Not because we were strong but because He was faithful.
Today, I live with scars. Like Kintsugi pottery, where the broken cracks are repaired and made stronger with gold, I am more beautiful for being broken. My marriage is stronger because God's strength met us in our weakness.
As a result of my experience, I started an event at our church called Psalm 40, an evening where real women share their story of brokenness and restoration, as way to encourage others and give glory to a God who is in the business of healing, redeeming, and restoring. I also traded my 25+ year career in fashion to become a life coach. And of course, my practice is called Beacon Coaching, after God’s calling on my life to be a beacon for Him. It’s been my greatest joy and honour to help guide others through their struggles.
Nothing is beyond the reach of God's grace. He still redeems. He still restores.
And brings beauty from ashes.
You can learn more about Stephanie and her coaching practice at www.beaconcoaching.ca or by following her on IG @beacon_coachingca.
