By Jessica Owen
There are seasons in life when you can look back and see exactly where God was building something beautiful.
And then there are seasons when all you can do is look up and whisper, “Jesus, I need You.”
I know both.
I know what it feels like to watch God build a life more beautiful than you could have imagined, and I know what it feels like to watch that same life fall apart, leaving you wondering how you will ever find your way forward.
I was hurting when someone invited me to church. I didn’t trust my own decisions anymore, and I knew I was carrying things I was never meant to carry alone. Three months after walking into that church, I gave my life to Christ. I didn’t know it then, but that decision would become the foundation of everything that followed. Including the greatest love story of my life.
Somewhere along the way, I met a man named Phil. At first, he was simply an easy friend. The kind of person you felt comfortable with immediately. Someone you could talk to and someone you trusted without having to try. Friendship very quickly turned to love.
Phil was a pillar in our church. He loved God deeply, but what I admired most was his willingness to be honest about his life. There was no false humility. He didn’t pretend to have everything figured out. He could say, “This is where I’m struggling, and this is where I need God to change me,” and then he would let God into that place where he was struggling.
His foundation was truth, and as we built our family, he made sure Christ was our foundation too. He loved people, he loved worship, he loved his family, his friends, and Jesus. We got married in 2014, and I gained more than a husband. I gained a family. Together, we raised three children, served God, built friendships, laughed, worshipped, and made a life that felt so full. It wasn’t perfect. But there were seasons when I would look around and think, “We got it good.” I absolutely loved our life.
Then, in the summer of 2023, everything changed.
Phil started feeling unwell. He was exhausted and losing weight. We visited the doctors several times and were repeatedly told he had an infection, but something in me wouldn’t settle. Eventually, I convinced him to go to the emergency room. I remember holding our baby daughter when the doctor looked at my husband and asked, “Have you ever heard of lymphoma?” Cancer. My healthy, handsome, 39-year-old husband had cancer.
Over the next several months, our world became hospital visits, home nurses, IVs, pain medication, and watching someone we loved deteriorate far too quickly. The doctors continued reassuring us that Phil would be okay. He was young. Lymphoma could be curable. It would be a difficult season, but he would get through it. We believed them, and we trusted God.
We prayed and we declared His promises. We asked for healing while we refused to stop believing that a miracle was possible. Jesus said: “Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 11:24). We held onto those words.
In January 2024, we were called into an appointment. We thought we were finally going to hear that treatment could begin. Instead, we were introduced to a new oncologist and learned that the biopsies had come back. Phil had metastatic granular cell neuroendocrine sarcoma. Stage 4. There was no established treatment and no clear roadmap. There was no medical answer that gave us the hope we were desperate for. Then came the words no family should ever have to hear: “There is nothing we can do.” But we still had God. So we prayed harder and we believed harder. We asked Him to heal Phil because we knew He could.
Phil wasn’t just my husband. He was our children’s hero. He was a son, a brother, and a best friend to so many. He NEEDED to survive.
On February 27, 2024, Phil crossed over into eternity. He died. There are no words that adequately explain what that did to our family. Our children lost their dad. I lost my husband and the love of my life. His parents lost their son, and his sisters lost their brother. His friends lost what felt like the sun in their universe, the one pulling them all together.
We had prayed for our miracle, and it didn’t happen the way we prayed it would. That sentence is still difficult to write. Because what do you do with your faith when the thing you begged God for doesn’t happen? What do you do when you believed with every fibre of your being that God would heal someone, and they die anyway? For a long time, I struggled.
Grief and trauma changed me. I experienced debilitating anxiety and could barely leave the house or be around people. There were days when getting through the day felt like an accomplishment BUT I kept choosing Jesus.
Sometimes it wasn’t a grand expression of faith. Sometimes it was simply: “Lord, I’m hurting, but I’m going to church and going to sit in the front row.” “God, I’m scared, but I’m going to keep going.” “God, I don’t understand, but I’m still here.” I began to understand that faith isn’t always a feeling. Sometimes faith is a decision. I made the decision that even when I couldn’t understand God, I would not walk away from Him.
“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15). That verse became more than something I had read before. It became something I had to wrestle with. Could I trust God when He didn’t answer the prayer I prayed? Could I believe He was good when my life was pain after pain after pain?
Slowly, God began rebuilding our lives. Not the life we had before, but a new one. I got a job. Then I began to excel at it. God opened doors I never imagined I would walk through. He gave me opportunities to grow, provide for my children, and discover parts of myself I didn’t know existed. He began showing me that even when I couldn’t see a way forward, He had not stopped working.
“Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22–23
Not every morning feels easy, but His faithfulness is not dependent on how my morning feels, and that is something I’ve had to learn. God is not only good when the diagnosis is good. He is not only faithful when the prayer is answered the way we wanted. He is good in the valley, too.
There are two stories in Scripture that have stayed with me. In one, Jesus is in the boat with His disciples when a storm comes. The storm is heavy, and the disciples are terrified, but Jesus is there with them. In the other, Jesus comes walking on the water and calls Peter to step out of the boat. Peter steps out. He walks toward Jesus, but then he looks at the wind. He becomes afraid and begins to sink. And even then, Jesus reaches out His hand.
“But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.” Matthew 14:30–31
Sometimes Jesus calls us to stay in the boat and trust Him through the storm, or He calls us to step out of the boat and trust Him while we walk on water and sometimes, despite our faith, we begin to sink. But Jesus is there for all three. Whether you are in the boat, in the storm, stepping out in obedience, or reaching for His hand because you can’t keep yourself above the water…He is with you.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2
Notice that God doesn’t say if you pass through the waters. He says WHEN. The promise was never that we would avoid every storm; the promise was that we would not face them alone.
Grief is still here, and I think it always will be, because grief is the cost of having deeply loved someone. But something has changed. Alongside the grief, there is joy. There is gratitude for the life we had with Phil. For the love we shared. For the children we raised. For the memories that will always belong to us. There is gratitude that even when I couldn’t see a way forward, God was already there.
I still don’t know why God answered some prayers differently than I begged Him to. But I do know this: God did not fail me because Phil died, and we did not fail Phil because we didn’t have enough faith. Phil loved God too much for God to give him that story. He was faithful to the end, and we don’t get to erase him just because we didn’t get the miracle WE wanted. His life IS the miracle. He didn’t lose, and cancer didn’t win. He ran his race and lives in the ultimate victory.
My story is not a story about everything working out the way I wanted. It is a story about discovering that Jesus is still worthy when it doesn’t. It is about learning that faith is not trusting God only for the outcome we want. Faith is trusting His heart when we cannot understand His hand.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5–6
I used to think trusting God meant believing He would do what I was asking. Now I’m learning that trusting God means believing He is still God, even when I don’t understand what He is doing.
In Job 40:8, God says to him, “Will you discredit my justice and condemn me just to prove you are right?” Why are we so bent on proving God wrong? God’s Word says He can heal, so He will. God’s Word says He loves us, so He does. God’s Word says nothing is impossible for Him, so He can make it possible. God’s Word says He is good, so He’s good. No amount of pain or suffering will ever change that, and just because Phil “didn’t” get a miracle, doesn’t mean you stop believing God to do a miracle in your life. Because He can and He will.
Funny thing is, Phil was the picture of this in the end. He faced death; he was sick in the most cruel way, but he still declared Jesus to anyone who entered the room. He still loved God because he knew God was still good no matter what.
If you are struggling with grief:
I wanted to share two resources that helped me along my own journey:
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (my personal favourite). Buy it HERE.
A Widow’s Journey: Reflections on Walking Alone by Gayle Roper. Buy it HERE.
But above all, the greatest source of hope is Jesus and His Word. The Bible is full of stories of widows, loss, and God’s faithfulness through suffering. James 1:27 reminds us that caring for widows and orphans is at the heart of pure and genuine faith. Which means God is in your corner.
You may be walking a road you never expected, but you do not have to walk it alone.
Give: Phil did not have life insurance or savings. Jessica has survived by the generosity of her church community/friends and currently works full time to provide for her family. If you wish to contribute so she can provide a Christmas for her children, you can give by clicking on this LINK.
