10 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self
I once knew a girl with limitless energy and people-pleasing tendencies who said yes to virtually everything. People marveled at all she accomplished, but underneath she was running on empty. In time, and through various hardships, she grew wiser. She learned to slow down her frenetic pace and appreciate the little things, but even so, there were some insights she wished she’d learned sooner.
I look back on that younger version of me with compassion and think of the many things I would have told her. If I could time travel, I’d go back and give her a long hug. I’d look her in the eye and tell her that even though it feels like her best efforts aren’t good enough, and although she feels a little wobbly, lost, or weary sometimes, she’s doing better than she thinks. Then, I’d lovingly hand her this list of “10 Things” in hopes she would be kinder to herself.
10 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self:
Cultivate a kind inner voice. Speak words of life over yourself instead of criticism. Words are powerful. What you think tells your mind and body what to believe. Your thoughts are silent words that affect every cell and system in your body. Develop a realistic view of yourself where you humbly celebrate your strengths while embracing areas of growth. At the end of each day, write out three to five things you are proud of and one you could have improved. Don’t beat yourself up about the one shortcoming; instead, be mindful that mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn.
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” ~Proverbs 16:24
2. Ask for help. Don’t try to do everything on your own; otherwise, you’ll overextend yourself and eventually grow exhausted, depleted, and resentful. People can’t read your mind. They have no idea how much you’re doing or the energy you expend doing it. Often, you operate out of love; other times out of commitment or obligation, but balance that with letting others carry the load. Share your needs and burdens with your spouse or a friend. Let them know you’re feeling overwhelmed so you can troubleshoot ways to adjust. Involve the kids with house and yard work. It spreads out the household responsibilities, helps them gain needed life skills, and teaches them how to take care of others and their belongings.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
3. Learn to say no and stick to your decision. Stop saying yes without counting the cost to yourself, your family, your time, and your other commitments. You cannot do it all! Saying yes to everything means you are saying no to yourself. Let go of people-pleasing and develop the habit of setting unapologetic boundaries around your life. Embrace stillness—be okay with being less busy. All your work is not going to make God or people love you more. Where your kids are concerned, avoid overcrowding your schedule with activities, or your life with stuff. Your kids don’t need that many accomplishments or toys. They need you.
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” ~ Psalm 90:12
4. Stop worrying about what other people think. The truth is they are hardly thinking about you. If they are, it’s so much less than you believe. Don’t live your life for others’ expectations or fear of judgement. Be authentic to yourself. Living to please others suffocates your individuality and the unique bent you bring to this world. Your convictions need not be theirs. Your goals, hopes, and dreams are allowed to be your own. Making choices to please others or worrying about what others think of you is exhausting. Let them talk. Let them judge. Let them believe what they will. You cannot control that. In the end, you are accountable to One. Live your life to please God, not people.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” ~ Galatians 1:10
5. Take your thoughts captive. Think about what you’re thinking about. Don’t allow toxic thoughts to run around unchecked in your mind. Instead, examine them. Ask yourself questions such as, is this thought true? Am I assuming something I don't know for certain and jumping to conclusions? Am I seeing the whole picture or focusing only on the negative? Am I taking something personally that may not be about me? Am I comparing myself unfairly to others? Be honest with yourself. Learn to redirect your thinking. Don’t ruminate when you’re tired; instead, tell yourself, “This is a tomorrow problem,” then pray and be thankful.
“We take captive every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
6. Be the first to reach out. Don’t waste years believing people aren’t interested in spending time with you. Holding people at arm's length for fear of being rejected will only weaken your friendships and steal the joy of deep connection. Make the first move. Risk drawing near. If I’d have known people were so receptive to conversations and friendship, I’d have been bolder in crowded rooms and awkward situations much sooner. When you walk into a room full of people, or are spending time with others, tell yourself, “It’s not about me”. Take the initiative and go say hello, ask a question, and make others feel seen and heard.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” ~ Philippians 2:3
7. Listen in typing class. Instead of talking to the cute boy sitting at the desk beside you, learn how to type properly. I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t need to know how to type because I don’t want to be a secretary” (forgive me for the 80s terminology), but guess what? Future you is going to write books, articles, and business copy using a computer keyboard. If you pay attention and learn this skill, you’ll gain an extra 150 hours of productivity, which translates to four full work weeks per year! Use it for guilt-free holidays. You’re welcome. But seriously, nothing is wasted. Every skill you learn is space-banked for future problem-solving and creativity, often in the most surprising ways. Embrace the tedious. It pays off later.
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much.” ~ Luke 16:10
8. You can’t fix people. They are not your responsibility. Their choices, even if they affect you, are their own. They need to be willing to take ownership for their healing and growth. You cannot force them to do the hard work. So, choose your friends well. More importantly, your spouse. Choose them as they are right now, not as you hope them to be. Then love them despite all their shortcomings and failings. Learn to love unconditionally, as God loves you. That includes your kids, no matter their age and stage.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
9. Forgive and don’t harbour bitterness. I could have made this number one, but you might not have kept reading. If you’re still here, thanks for sticking with me. Spare yourself from carrying years of unforgiveness in your heart. Forgiving the hurts others inflicted may be some of your hardest internal work, but it’s worth it. Bitterness poisons your body and your relationships. Those who hurt you may not be sorry but forgive them anyway. Central to the Christian message is that we have been forgiven everything. Far be it from us not to forgive. Ask God’s strength and help if it seems impossible. After you have forgiven, pray for and bless them.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32
10. Cast all your cares on God because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7). Don’t try to carry everything on your own; hand it over to God to look after. Worry is merely a form of trying to control the variables that are out of your hands. You can’t control situations or other people; you can only control your reaction and attitude toward them. Bringing your cares and concerns to God does two things: it lightens your load and increases your trust.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7
Even though I can’t go back and hand my “10 Things List” to my younger self, perhaps, in some small way, it doubled as a measure of encouragement for you, and you’ll find the insights useful. What things would you tell your younger self?
